I've been in therapy for more than a year but I can't control my insecurity, my permanent distrust and my jealousy. I have improved, of course, but I continue to live in a state of anxiety, insecurity and nervousness that won't let me sleep. I need to regain calm and control of my life and myself. Because if not, the psychologist has told me that I'm going to fall ill.
When I was with him, I kept an eye on his cell phone 24 hours a day, watching every step he took, whether he was online or not, whether his cell phone was turned off or not, what time he last connected. He also kept an eye on his social networks, followed his likes if any girl gave them to him and tested him to see if he was cheating on me. I couldn't go on like this and I knew the problem was mine.
He loves me and has even gone to therapy for me, he has been infinitely patient with me, explaining to me, trying to be more aware of me so that I would not doubt or feel insecure. But we are very different. I would be with him all day, I would do everything with him, I would go to bed and get up every day with him. I don't even care if I stop staying with my friends to be with him. But Carlos needs his space, to meet his friends alone, to go on vacation with them. He doesn't need us to talk several times a day on the phone or write to us so much on wpp. But I do. As my psychologist tells me, I need constant reassurance, to know that the other is there, to show me all the time that he loves me. And that overwhelms, I know. I can't pretend that no one is like me, that I answer every message or call instantly, that I plan everything with him, that I live for him.
He didn't want to leave him. I think that deep down he is attracted to being with someone so different from him, as sincere as I am with my feelings, so clear and affectionate. And the same thing happens to me. I know that I would live calmer with someone who didn't like to go out and socialize so much, who wanted to always be with me, to go live with me without thinking about it. But I sure would get bored with him. That's why I like Carlos and I'm so attracted to him, because he's everything I'm not, because he does everything I don't do, because he's the most optimistic guy in the world and always has thousands of plans with lots of different people. I have my friends too, but I always leave them hanging if he wants to hang out. I don't know how they haven't stopped talking to me all this time.
Something I haven't mentioned is that I have a 6-year-old boy. I have joint custody so I have a whole week to spend with Carlos. But the week that I am with the child, he prefers not to stay. He says that he is not ready to include a child in his life. That he still doesn't have paternal instincts (at 38 years old!) and that he loves me very much but prefers to stay out of the way of the child, that he doesn't want to screw up something so important. That's why he doesn't come to live with me. And that kills me. It has killed me from the beginning, because if it had been the other way around I would have gone ahead with everything. I would have gone to live with him and his children without thinking about it. The psychologist tells me that I have to give him time, which is normal because he is not a father and he did not count on it. But when he met me, he already knew. And if he loves me, he has to love my son too. It's normal, isn't it?
The few times that Carlos has seen the child has been a great stress for me. Because the boy adores him and tells me that he wants Carlos to come and play with him. And I die of shame when I lie to him and tell him that he has to work or that he is traveling. This, added to the stress that he does not stop going out and meeting people the week that I am with the child, has made me unhinged and has led me to make the decision to leave him. I love him with all my soul and I know that he loves me, I can't be more in love, but I can't enjoy this relationship. I don't stop getting sick, even my hair falls out since I've been with him, it didn't happen to me even when I separated. With all the pain in my heart I have come to the conclusion that it does not compensate me. I'm making a huge effort not to go back to him. Because he keeps calling me and writing telling me that he loves me and that he wants to come back to me, that he is willing to go to therapy again to deal with the child.
I'm dying to get back together with him but to this day it's not worth it. No one knows the sleepless nights I've spent rereading wpp conversations, analyzing each word to find a lie, looking at each photo and each comment on their friends' profiles to see if they had more than a friendship, even looking at their mobile anywhere neglect to see if he found something, having arguments over and over again because I don't feel that he pays the same attention to me as I did to him... I haven't slept well for many months, without enjoying my son because I can't stop thinking about Carlos when I'm with him, to screw up at work because if he does not answer a wp in the time that I consider reasonable, I already think what happens to me. I can't live like this, I'm not happy.
What does the psychologist tell me? That I have several problems: dependency, lack of self-esteem, need for external validation, lack of self-confidence and an enormous fear of rejection, of being rejected by my partners, of being left. It seems that at the origin of this is my relationship with my mother, who is a very controlling, very demanding and very dominant person. Since I was little I have consulted her about everything, I am not capable of doing anything without her approval, I even ask her opinion to buy some shoes. And after her, to my partners. My ex even told me what clothes I had to wear, I didn't dare to wear anything he didn't like or that seemed “whoreish” (yes, he was a macho, jealous and misogynist). Carlos is the opposite, he loves that I dress up, that I look sexy, that I wear what I really want. And I know that this is good for me, that he is good for me, but I don't control the insecurity that being with him generates in me.
In therapy I am working, more than the couple, on the subject of my mother. Learning to “cut the umbilical cord” with her and not need her validation for everything. It's costing me but I feel much better, more sure of myself. I already dare to say no to many things and to make decisions without consulting him. But I still don't see myself as capable of being in a relationship, I don't want to suffer as much as I have suffered with Carlos. I have to find out if I'm capable of being with someone like him or if what I need is to find a partner more like me. I have explained all this to Carlos. I suppose that leaving him has made him value me in some way more and that he insists so much on wanting to come back to me. But I can't yet. And I imagine that in the end he will forget about me. And I think it's the best thing that can happen to both of us.
